Friend/less

So. You know what sucks?

Being told - whether directly or indirectly - that you're not worth somebody's time. That you're not good enough.

This keeps happening to me.

In ways like receiving a text message saying "Hey. I don't see the point in us being friends anymore."

Or someone asking advice, giving it, and then them ignoring it and ultimately ignoring you.

And my favorite way: Just plain dropping out of communication with you. Knowing they still have their phone and are still alive but just "too good" for you.

That. Sucks.

I keep trying to figure out what I've done wrong, who I've mistreated and how, but I genuinely can't.

So, if anyone has any insight, please share it with me - cause I CAN'T handle this crap.

I'm already at my breaking point, but people don't seem to comprehend that.

I'm falling apart and these people are making it that much quicker.



Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything. - Muhammad Ali

True friends stab you in the front. - Oscar Wilde

That's It

So, the following post is definitely going to stir some stuff up, but like I've said before: nobody's making you read this, so if it bugs you, I'm not interested.

Recently, loneliness has been the only thing I've been feeling.

I've had people tell me they want nothing to do with me anymore. That they can't be around me anymore. Even the high school friends I used to have aren't interested in being around me. Every time I'm around them, I feel like I'm unwelcome, like I'm not wanted around them.

Not only that, when I get around that environment, my anxiety gets incredibly bad. Like, bad to the point where I get short of breath, and feel like I'm going to burst out in tears.

I'm tired of feeling like no one wants to spend any time with me.

I feel like I've lost two of the best friends I've ever had, and there's no hope of getting them back.

I just want to have someone who wants me around.

That's it.


Sometimes, I just want a hug. Sometimes I just want to feel wanted, I want affection. - Amanda Day

So We Beat On

Okay. Before I get beat up or anything - I am incredibly sorry I've been so inconsistent with this thing here. Life has been beyond crazy as of late, and as a result I haven't been even remotely concerned with blogging.

BUT, I'm here now, so I'll begin with a post regarding something I've been feeling lately.

To begin, I want so DESPERATELY to feel wanted. I just want to know that people WANT to see me, and not to feel like an intrusion EVERYWHERE I go. I want to feel valued and to feel like people are excited to be around me.

I want to like who I am, too. Because I don't. There's a lot more to this, but I'll save that for another post.

Macklemore has this song, "Same Love." The song is referring to gay/lesbian rights. But, the chorus has words that I think apply to where I'm at.

Recently, I've been hearing a lot of things that can basically be summarized by the following statement:

"People get annoyed with you a lot, Nathan."

And that SUCKS. I mean, yes, I know I can be crazy annoying at times, but it really sucks hearing all the time how awful a human being people think you are. Especially considering the amount I've changed since August and now, even the beginning of this year. But it just doesn't feel like enough.

Anyway, the lyrics are this:

"I can't change even if I tried. My love, my love, my love - she keeps me warm."

Mary Lambert sings this which is where the "she" comes in.

These lyrics are incredibly appropriate in my opinion.

I like a lot about myself, but as a whole I hate who I am.

Confusing anyone else? Yeah, join the club.

But, I CAN'T keep changing the smallest things because they're annoying to some people. Because honestly, THAT is going to hurt me more in the long run.

I just get tired of pushing to better myself and being reminded it's not enough.

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Waiting

So! A lot of changes have taken place recently, but one that's going to impact me more than the rest.

I'm getting an apartment at the end of this school year.

I'm SO excited for it, but I'm just beginning to realize the magnitude of this change.

I'm becoming a "grown-up." I'm beginning to understand that things aren't going to be handed to me after I do move out of my home.

I'm going to be responsible for my wants and needs.

But, I'm more than ready.

Heck, bring it on.


It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad. - C.S. Lewis

#changeisgood

It's funny, but I'm doing this one out of requests of a couple of different people. So, I do apologize for the delay in my posts. Anyway, here we go.

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about my plans next year. I've been admitted into a couple of different schools, besides Johnson County Community College, I mean.

My biggest thing is I really want to get out of my house.

I LOVE my family. They are truly some of my favorite people - I mean, yes, that's a bit of a given. But honestly. But we're all getting to each other. Driving each other absolutely nuts.

We just can't seem to stop fighting with each other.

I'm so tired. All the freaking time.

And yet, in spite of all of that, I feel myself making progress. I don't feel sad like I have been in the past few months.

Life is turning around.

Incline Vs. Incline?

So, over the past few days, my life has made an incredible turnaround.

I got closure regarding this previous relationship I had, and haven't been nearly as anxious.

The show I'm Stage Managing is going so much better than I anticipated it would. And I've come to find I really enjoy the whole experience. Which I NEVER expected. BUT, c'est la vie.

Oh, and I met a lady! So there's that. She's all sorts of cute and spunky and loud and obnoxious and wonderful.

I'm happy for the first time in months.

And let me tell you, it is a great feeling. :)

Hear Me Yet?

So, I figured it out. What I really want right now.

It's gonna sound silly, I imagine.

And I'm guessing most of you are tired of hearing about my issues. But, as I've said before, no one is making you read this.

What I want right now, more than anything else in the world is to feel valued.

I want to feel like I'm important, that I'm not just cast aside until I'm needed for something. Until someone has a favor to ask, or a task to complete. I want to feel like someone wants me.

Right now, it feels like everyone I know is having good things happen to them. I mean, everyone I know has someone, just about. And if they don't, they have friends they can go to at a moment's notice.

My three best friends live a minimum of an hour away. Two of them live more than two away. And although only one of them has a significant other, the other two live in dorms and have roommates and other people they can spend time with.

I have neither and it just sucks.

I want to feel like someone's everything, instead of everyone's something.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu

Incline/Decline

You

Me

You're happy.

I'm depressed.

You've got someone to call yours.

I don't.

You got into school.

I lost my scholarship.

You've got everything planned out.

I don't know what I'm doing.

You've got all the friends you need.

Mine live forever away.

All you've done is take.

All I did was give. Even still.

You know.

I don't.

Your zealous.

I'm jealous.

You don't care.

I wish I didn't.

Blegh

Exhaustion.

True exhaustion.

That's what I'm feeling right now.

Overwhelmed.

I'm so tired.

I would give anything to have someone to spend time with.

Anything.

*sigh*

I'm Back!

Hey all.

Sorry about the unannounced hiatus from my blogging.

I've been through quite a bit these past couple of weeks.

It's really hard to figure out where I'm at right now.

But, I'm gonna get better. I know it.

So, blogs will be coming back!

Fight Till It's Over

This song is really resonating with me. So, I'm gonna post it. Maybe the lyrics will hit some others.

Can't Hold Us by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis with Ray Dalton

(Verse 1)
Return of the Mac, Get em
What it is what it does what it is what it isn't
Lookin' for a better way to get up out of bed instead of getting on the internet and checking a new hit me, get up!
Fresh out pimp strut walking, little bit of humble, little bit of cautious
Somewhere between like rocky and cosby sweatergang nope nope y’all can’t copy
Yup. Bad, moonwalking, this here, is our party, my posse's been on broadway
And we did it, our way
Grown music, I shed my skin and put my bones into everything I record to it
And yet I’m on
Let that stage light go and shine on down, got that Bob Barker suit game and plinko in my style
Money, stay on my craft and stick around for those pounds
But I do that to pass the torch and put on for my town
Trust me. I'm a I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T dang hustler
Chasing dreams since I was 14 with the four track bussing halfway cross that city with the backpack
Caution, labels out here
Nah they can’t tell me nothing
We give that to the people
Spread it across the country
Labels out here
Nah they can’t tell me nothing
We give it to the people
Spread it across the country

(Hook-Ray Dalton)
Here we go back, this is the moment
Tonight is the night, we’ll fight till it’s over
So we put our hands up like the ceiling can’t hold us
Like the ceiling can’t hold us
Here we go back, this is the moment
Tonight is the night, we’ll fight till it’s over
So we put our hands up like the ceiling can’t hold us
Like the ceiling can’t hold us

(Verse 2)
Now can I kick it? Thank you. yeah I’m so dang grateful
I grew up, really wanted gold fronts
But that’s what you get when Wu-Tang raised you
Y’all can’t stop me, go hard like I got an 808 in my heart beat
And I’m meeting at the beat like you gave a little speed to a great white shark on shark week
Raw. Tell me go up. Gone!
Deuces goodbye. I got a world to see, and my girl she wanna see Rome
Ceasar will make you a believer. nah I never ever did it for a throne
That validation comes from giving it back to the people. nah sing a song and it goes like
Raise those hands, this is a party
We came here to live life like nobody was watching
I got my city right behind me
If I fall, they got me then from that failure gain humility and then we keep marching ourselves.

A Confession

So.

Today I went to the doctor.

And I've been diagnosed with moderate to severe clinical depression.

This...is not easy to say. Especially seeing as how I didn't expect it.

It's an awful thing, honestly.

There's an overwhelming feeling of self-loathing.

I HATE who I am. Hate it.

I go back and forth - wanting to cry and laughing, wanting to do the former more than the latter.

Lonely, constantly.

Terrified. Ashamed.

It's scary, honestly. I know there's definitely a level of stigma that goes along with that word.

"Depression."

I don't want to lose people because of it. Nor do I want to sound as though I'm saying this for attention. Because that is in NO WAY the case.

I'm just...I'm going to beat this.

That much, I can guarantee.

#painsucks

I ended a relationship yesterday.

Severed a connection with someone I thought I'd be friends with forever.

The one person I KNEW would be in my life.

And it hurts. Bad.

I have to say that I didn't anticipate having to do it until two days ago.

And what hurts the most is that she just let it happen. She didn't fight it. She didn't say...anything, really. I explained what I was thinking and she just...let it go. Let ME go.

Without a word. She had her mind made up before I even finished saying what I needed to say.

Such is life, I suppose.

I think it's going to be good though.

At least, I hope it is.

God I hope it is.

"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again." - Maya Angelou

I Want To Be Of The Hill

I've been doing some thinking recently. And the more I think about it, the less I feel like I'm supposed to be where I'm at.

I HATE the person I'm turning into. This...morbid, dependent downer of a guy who needs people to make him feel like he's doing crap right.

I'VE NEVER been that guy. I'm a confident person, and always have been.

I've always been the one to volunteer for everything under the sun, throwing caution to the wind, and not giving a rat's behind what everyone else around has to say.

Because. I. DON'T.

At least, I didn't.

What happened to me? Why do I give a crap all of a sudden? Why do I care what people think of me or have to say about me?

All of these questions are circulating and the only thing I can think of is this: I'm not in the place I'm supposed to be.

Everyone talks about college and they just KNOW they're where they belong. They walk through the halls and FEEL it.

I don't feel that way. In fact, I don't feel like I belong in Kansas, let alone my college.

The first time I've felt comfortable was at the end of December when I went down to Arkansas to visit my friend Haley.

DON'T get me wrong - I am not supposed to be in Arkansas, but it felt so good being out of Kansas.

SO GOOD.

But, where am I supposed to go?

And how?

No house should ever be on a hill or on anything. It should be of the hill. Belonging to it. Hill and house should live together each the happier for the other. - Frank Lloyd Wright

Kryptonite

Superheroes are pretty legit, am I right?

Some of my favorite things in the world are superheroes.

Iron Man, Batman, Captain America.

What is it about these good guys that we love so much?

These often genetically modified, mutated super-humans.

Is it watching them beat up the baddies time and time and time again?

Maybe it's the actors who play them in these movies. Robert Downey, Jr., Christian Bale, Chris Evans, Andrew Garfield's Spiderman, as opposed to Tobey Maguire (cause he was just a freaking wimp).

But, what is it?

Why do we idolize these...people? Because that's ultimately what they are, right? People? I mean, they are all skin and bones, who've essentially been changed due to their own choice or an accident.

I mean, all three of the Hulks (Eric Bana, Edward Norton, Mark Ruffalo) were exposed to the same gamma radiation. Both Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield were bit by a radioactive spider. George Reeves, Christopher Reeve, Dean Cain, Tom Welling and Brandon Routh were all born on Krypton and sent to Metropolis, where they were found by the Kent family and fell for Lois Lane. Lewis G. Wilson, Robert Lowrey, Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney and Christian Bale all watched their parents die, inherited their fortunes, and trained themselves physically and mentally, getting to their optimal position, and fighting The Joker, The Penguin, The Riddler, Two-Face, Bane, Catwoman, and Ra's Al Ghul.

The only thing I can see attracting us to these supers is that they are just that - super. They're not like us.

There is almost nothing I wouldn't give to be viewed in that way. To be considered someone's superhero. To be the guy with the ability to save a Lois Lane, or Mary Jane Parker.

To save a Rachel Dawes, or Pepper Potts would be wonderful.

But, I'm not a multi-billionaire, so I can't afford the awesome technical gadgets that Bruce Wayne can. I've got diseases so I can't build myself up like Tony Stark or Peter Parker. And, as badly as I might want it, I don't have loads of gamma radiation, so I can't be like Bruce Banner.

But, I'd love it if I could.

"I want to be able to fly like a superhero. I won't be happy until I can fly across oceans and cities, saving people from being murdered." - Heather Graham

I Must Have Done Something Good

I missed yesterday, I know. I had my wisdom teeth removed and was incapacitated the majority of the day.

I'm tired of feeling like everything I do is wrong. I know that I am by absolutely no means perfect. By absolutely no stretch of the imagination am I to be compared with someone who knows exactly what he's doing, because I don't. Not even a little. Every day is something different. And it will be for the rest of my life. Yes, similar things will occur, I'll go to the same classes on Tuesday and Thursday for the next semester, but the same thing will never happen in those classes.

It's come to my attention that I tend to try too hard, but I don't know how the heck I'm supposed to stop doing that.

I do so much to please everyone. My sole goal in life is to make sure that everyone I come into contact with is happy, whether or not I am. I always come second, in nearly every single circumstance.

And yet, that upsets people.

What am I missing? What about that upsets people?

I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do.

I've said this more than once, and yet, I still don't feel like it's the case.

Tell me I'm doing something right.

Please.

"I've worked very hard. I just haven't been in the right place at the right time. So, hopefully, I'm doing something right." - Chris Pine

The Assault of Laughter

Humor is one of the only things that cannot be replaced if you ask me.

I have such a love of laughing and making others laugh.

I adore stand up comedians for that reason. They can make me laugh for hours and more often than not, it's simply by telling the truth about things we really don't think about.

Ben Bailey, one of my favorite comedians, (better known as the host of that show Cash Cab) has a special out, where he spends a good fifteen minutes talking about expressions we use daily but really don't think about.

He talks about killing two birds with one stone. He starts by saying "I have killed two birds with one stone, but before you start applauding, wait for all the facts. They were two very small birds, both trapped in a very small cage, and I had one very large stone." Haha.

I miss laughing, having not done it much recently. I hate it.

It is one of my favorite things, and I've been so...distraught recently, it's been so hard to laugh.

I've reached a bit of an impasse though. I've changed so much about myself, but don't know if I'm going the right direction. I haven't had anyone to tell me "Nathan, we see the changes in you and they're awesome!" or "Nathan, why are behaving differently, we miss the old you." And as a result, I'm not sure if they're good or bad changes.

I'm hopeful, and optimistic, and know that some of them are DEFINITELY heading the right direction. But without the affirmation from the people I'm attempting to change for, it's difficult to know that the change is really evident.

I miss laughing with people, though. I'm so ready for school to start, and start seeing the people I laugh with the most.

I'm ready for...people. Ultimately, that's what it is. I've spent too much time alone, too much time wallowing in my own self pity.

I'm ready to laugh again.

"Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand." - Mark Twain

Life Happens

There is nothing more frustrating or hurtful then being let down.

Getting your expectations built up, anticipating the best, only to have what you were expecting fall through, due to no fault of your own.

It sucks.

I'm talking about commitment in this one.

If you say you're going to do something - DO IT. Don't say, "Yeah, I'll do that!" and then not do what you said you would.

Whenever I commit to do something, I'm doing it, unless an emergency comes up.

For example, as many of you already know, theatre is the one thing in this world I love more than anything else - aside from relationships, as you'll recall from a previous post.

Theatre is an incredibly time consuming activity, between rehearsals with the cast, studying lines and dramaturgical information on your own, going over dance steps, music, and such. It takes up a lot of time. The most recent show I did was a show called The Mystery of Edwin Drood. The show is a very difficult and time-consuming show, taking over 9 weeks of rehearsal. Now, this seems incredibly daunting reading it, and believe me, it was no walk in the park, rehearsing 5 days a week, for about 4 hours a night, it grew incredibly tiresome.

But I was at every rehearsal I said I would be at (with the exception of three due to an emergency room visit.) I'd made a commitment to do everything in my power to be at the rehearsals, and yes, they were a little scattered at times, but believe me when I say that I was there, waiting to hear from the director what we were working on next.

I have a job, like most people. And no, my job is not the most fun place in the world. It's pedantic and monotonous. But I'm there when I'm scheduled to be. I've gone in sick more than once. I've been there before I've gone to the emergency room on a couple of occasions. I was at work the day my dad had his heart attack. I'd made a commitment to work, so I was there.

I hate being hurt - granted, who doesn't?

But recently, people who've said "Yeah, I'll text you" or "Yeah, we can hang out" or whatever, never manage to follow through. And that sucks.

I understand how life happens - more than most people. But I manage almost always to communicate with whomever I need to. I mean, whether it's returning a call, sending a text or whatever to let them know what's going on.

How hard is that? Maybe I'm expecting too much. I don't think so, though. Kind of ties into my friendship entry.

It's just frustrating having to deal with your hopes getting dashed every day.

"Commitment is an act, not a word." - Jean-Paul Sartre

No More Hurt, Only More Love

I hate being alone.

I hate it.

Now, maybe this seems petty. I don't care. Nobody's making you read my blog, so there. :P

...that rhymes... Haha...

I'm not saying this for sympathy sake or anything. I just don't like being on my own. As much as I value independence, I need people to be independent with, if that makes sense.

I like having someone to cuddle with, to feel close to. Someone to share with, to talk to every day. Someone to hold hands with, to sit on the phone with for hours without having to say a single word.

I've had that once in my life. And it was the best feeling in the world - truly. Being able to hold that person close and not have a care in the world was...it's the only time I've ever felt content in my life.

Losing that was painful.

Now, don't put words in my mouth - I don't blame anyone for that pain. It was no one's fault and I have felt that way since it happened.

But moving on is so difficult.

Every day I see this girl tagged in more pictures, or updating her status or with someone else. And it hurts.

We've been working on our friendship and it's gotten SO good! I mean, she's someone I consider my sister. I love her to death and know she's not going to get out of my life any time soon.

But, ultimately, it's just hard knowing she's over me already, and that I can't have the one thing I want.

I'm just...I hate being alone and don't know what to do about it.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Teresa

Give Love (Not Just The Romantic Kind)

This is a deeply personal one, but something I think I need to write about.

Pain. Physical pain. It's something I deal with on a daily basis.

For those of you who don't know, I suffer from (sometimes) debilitating back pain. In seventh grade football, I was running to make a tackle when I was blocked from behind, taking a helmet right in the middle of my spine, just below where the shoulder pads ended. This hit was quite literally the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life.

As a result of this hit, my spine was literally curved. I now have dextroscoliosis as well as a disease called Scheuerman's Disease. Basically, that's just a fancy way of saying I'm missing cartilage in between my vertebrate.

Now, if that wasn't bad enough, I recently found out I also have Juvenile Arthritis in my wrist, knees and possibly my hips.

There are mornings I wake up and I need my father or brother's help to get out of my bed due to how stiff my joints and back are.

I'm 18 years old.

There is nothing I'm more insecure about than how unmanly that makes me.

It is absolutely humiliating sometimes how tender or weak I feel.

A couple of weeks ago, I was hanging out with a friend. My friend is incredibly small. At one point, we were just messing around and she kicked her leg out and caught me right on a rib and knocked it out of place. She'd BARELY kicked me. But it was hard enough to knock my rib out of place and jar my back. It knocked the wind out of me, and I collapsed.

I COULDN'T MOVE.

I am an 18 year old guy who can literally be stopped by a quick jab to the ribcage. I've been 5'8" since I was in 8th grade. That was 5 and a half years ago.

Meanwhile, I've got a 16 year old younger brother who's 6'1", 250 pounds, wears a size 15 shoe, can bench twice my body weight like it's nobody's business, is a star football player, and can essentially sit on anyone he wants and kill them. Not only that, I've got a sister who's 13 years old, 2 inches shorter than me and can practically pick me up without even trying.

But if either of them gets too physical with me, I end up in tears

That is an AWFUL feeling. I would give anything to wrestle with them and play around but I CAN'T.

And I know, "there's more to being a man than the physical." But so much dependence comes from the physical aspect. If I get married, what if I can't pick up my children? What if it hurts too much? How am I supposed to be able to defend my wife and children?

My biggest fear is that I will become so feeble that I can't get out of my bed without assistance.

Irrational? Maybe. But I can't help it.

I've got a poem, though, that's given me solace.

It's called Manly Man by Bradley Hathaway.

I need to read it more often, because it's so good and incredibly comforting.

I don't want my long hair
Pretty green eyes with
NO I DO NOT HAVE ON MASCARA
Eyelashes
Skinny figure
Undersized T-shirt

Hip
shake
too
much
when I walk

Confuse anyone...

I AM A MANLY MAN

Within this sissy frame
Obviously rib-laden chest
Lies a heart
that BEATS

to the drum of a
Native American ritual dancing
WILDNESS
It PUMPS an evercascading supply of unTAMEDness
that a herd of WILD mustangs have yet to grasp.

If DANGER lurks about, I will seek it out.
If adventure abounds, there I will be found.
If a damsel be in distress

I will show her who is best.

I AM A MANLY MAN!

Because I DON'T FLUSH
and I leave the lid up.

I drive a nineteen
eighty-eight
Ford Pick-UP truck.

GIRLS DON'T BREAK UP WITH ME
I break up with them FIRST!
(except the last time)

I DON'T SHAVE THE HAIR ON MY FACE.
(because I still can't grow facial hair yet...
but when I CAN, I won't.)

BECAUSE BEARDS ARE TOUGH!

I
FART
BURP
SPIT
WHEN I WANT

Not caring who is nearby

DISRESPECT my MOMMA
and I will PUNCH you in the eye!

I AM A MANLY MAN!

OR AM I?

I TELL MY guy friends I love them.
Sometimes I even hug them.
NO I'm not gay.

BUT BECAUSE I LOVE THEM.

When I watched 'Bambi'
I cried.
WHEN MY MEMA GETS MAD
I still run and hide.

LIKE DAVID I WANT TO BE A MAN AFTER GOD'S OWN HEART
I'm not there yet but past the start.

And when people talk
I try to listen
A SPIRIT OF COMPASSION
that's my vision.
Surely I am a manly man
I WANT TO BE LOVED
and have love
AND GIVE LOVE
(not just that romantic kind either.)

ALTHOUGH I AM LOOKING FOR THAT BEAUTY
NOT HELPLESS
But wants to be rescued.
The damsel in distress
MAN
WOMAN
MYTH
TRUE.

I WILL FIGHT FOR HER.

CLIMB THE HIGHEST TOWER FOR HER.

LOVE HER.

SHARE with her.

DELIGHT IN HER.

Be her WARRIOR

HER PROTECTOR

SHE WILL BE MY CROWN
and I will be hers.

MY MASCULINITY WILL BE PASSED DOWN
AND AFFIRMED TO MY SONS.

Each of my daughters will know they are LOVELY
and deserving of authentic romance.

SOCIETY TELLS ME
ALL DAY LONG

THAT I HAVE DEFINED MANHOOD
COMPLETELY WRONG

BUT YOU ASK any honest man and he will agree
YOU ASK any honest woman and she too will see

THAT I AM A MANLY MAN!

 

“There is one rule, above all others, for being a man. Whatever comes, face it on your feet.” - Robert Jordan, The Great Hunt



You've Got A Friend In Me

This past weekend, I got to spend time with my best friend in the world, Connor. Connor and I met two years ago at Boys' State when we were both juniors in high school. We both ran for Governor and - just like in the real world - only one person could be elected. That person was Connor. After losing the election, I didn't pout and just wait for the week to end. I'd already been made Chairman of the Federalist Party and figured "Hey, just cause I lost the Gubernatorial election doesn't mean that I can't support the guy who won it." So, I did just that. I essentially became Connor's shadow, following him nearly everywhere, and doing whatever he needed done. I ran for Lieutenant Governor (and lost) but continued to do everything I could to make Connor's life as easy as possible.

APPARENTLY, this made an impression on him. We began to get to know each other and such, and now we truly are best friends. Being an hour away from each other, we don't get to see each other very often, nor do we get to talk due to our ever-filling schedules. But when we do talk or see each other, we catch up and laugh nearly the entire time we're together. He's someone who I value as a person, and who I would hate to lose.

Now, I could go on and on about how great a friend Connor is, but I won't, for a couple of reasons. The first being that none of you know Connor (with the exception of like two or three people). The second is that that isn't the point of this particular entry.

The point of this entry is to focus on a particular word I've used more than once already: friend.

This meaning of this word has become so...diluted recently. dictionary.com defines the word "friend" as "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard." But that's not what a friend is. A friend is so much more.

I tend to view friendships as a commitment to another person, a relationship, sometimes more delicate than a significant other. Relationships are my life, even more so than theatre. Most of you know that I am a theatre major. But, if I had to pick between theatre and my relationships, the latter would win every single time.

I just don't understand why it is that people act as though being a friend is so difficult.

Now, bear in mind, being friendly and being a friend are NOT the same thing. Most people are capable of being friendly without too much effort.

Being a friend is about more than just being nice.

Friendships aren't a thing you do when you feel like it. Friendships require sacrifice. They require a willingness to be there at times other than just when it's convenient.

The best thing to help with this point is the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Connor treats me with an incredible amount of respect, goes out of his way when I'm a guest in his home, and welcomed me into his life without a moment's hesitation. I can only hope I've been as good to him as he has to me.

"Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are -- chaff and grain together -- certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away." - Dinah Mulock

Don't You Forget About Me

To start this one, a poem fits incredibly well.

The Dash by Linda Ellis

 

I read of a man who stood to speak

at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone,

from the beginning…to the end.

 

He noted that first came the date of her birth

and spoke of the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all

was the dash between those years.

 

For that dash represents all the time

that she spent alive on earth.

And now only those who loved her

know what that little line is worth.

 

For it matters not, how much we own,

the cars…the house…the cash.

What matters is how we live and love

and how we spend our dash.

 

So, think about this long and hard.

Are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left

that can still be rearranged.

 

If we could just slow down enough

to consider what’s true and real

and always try to understand

the way other people feel.

 

And be less quick to anger

and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives

like we’ve never loved before. 

 

If we treat each other with respect

and more often wear a smile,

remembering that this special dash

might only last a little while.

 

So, when your eulogy is being read,

with your life’s actions to rehash…

would you be proud of the things they say

about how you spent YOUR dash?

Chances are most of you know this poem. You've read it or heard it at some point in your life.

It struck me today listening to one of the corniest songs in the world. "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by the band Simple Minds. Most of you would recognize this if you heard it. It's the theme to The Breakfast Club.

The chorus is the most recognizable part - as you might guess.

But it's very true. How many people want to be forgotten?

Chances are very few.

Ultimately, though, it comes down to one person.

You guessed it.

You.

My biggest fear in this world is to die without anyone knowing. To die and simply fade away is a terrible thing. Selfish as it may be, I don't want people to forget me. But the only way that's not going to happen is if I do my utmost to live my life in a way that I know I won't regret. To do just as the poem says.

The Bible talks about a lot of the things in this poem. James 1:19 says everyone should be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."

So, friends, I urge you all to live your life in this way.

Be happy. Appreciate the people who do for you. Listen carefully and intently. Live a life that people will remember.

"Happiness is the only good. The time to be happy is now. The place to be happy is here. The way to be happy is to make others so." - Robert Green Ingersoll

Objectifying Objectification

There are a couple of different things that made me think of this one.

Recently, I went on a plutonic date with a lady friend. We went and saw a movie, and then she had some gift cards she wanted to use. We went to the first store and she looked through some things and then tried some things on. While I was waiting, I asked if she wanted me to hold anything. And she replied with "Oh! Um... no, I got it." I said okay and started browsing the colognes. After she made her purchases, the woman behind the counter placed her bag up and without a second's hesitation, I grabbed the bag with the intent to carry it for her. My friend began to look for her bag and noticed I had it. She said "I can get it" and began to reach for it. But I insisted. The shock in her face and voice was surprising to me. I only did what any gentlemen should. I mean, how difficult is it to carry a bag of clothing to the car? And yet, the shock was immense.

Another example of this comes from Senior Awards Night last April. I was seated toward the front, and several ladies were behind me, all wearing heels and skirts/dresses. Granted, at the time I didn't know that they'd be getting their names called every other award, but I digress. Whenever any of their names were called, I stood up, held out my hand to help walk them down the bleachers and then did the same thing when they returned. My parents were among the people in the audience, and apparently some women made a comment about how "chivalrous that young man is." And how "you just don't see that anymore." My dad told me later, that not any other guy got up and helped the women behind them down the bleachers. He said that they'd lean over to give them room, but that was about it.

How sad is that? How difficult is it to stand up and hold a hand out as a safe hold to prevent women from falling? How is it that men don't seem to care anymore? Why is it surprising when a guy wants to hold a door open? Or pay the bill on a date? How difficult is it to do those things? I mean, truly.

Go back a hundred years - fifty even - it was an EXPECTATION. Women weren't required to lift a finger. Men opened doors to buildings, cars, whatever. They stood up when a woman entered or left the room. Neither sex even thought about who was going to pay for anything - it was the man.

In those days, men were courting women. They were TRYING to show the women they were on a date with WHY the woman should like them. Doing EVERYTHING they could to show the woman what made them the optimal choice for a life partner, whether or not it was out of the way for them.

Today, though? Women are SURPRISED when guys do things like that.

Yeah. I know.

WHAT HAPPENED?

Why is it that women are viewed as...objects, almost? When did they become things used for reproduction and nothing more?

Now, don't get me wrong: there are still guys who try to do things in a gentlemanly way, but they are few and far between.

As for me, I do my utmost to treat women with the utmost respect. In my opinion, they should be treated as gifts, because that's exactly what they are. There's absolutely no excuse for treating a woman with anything but the utmost respect.

Chivalry isn't dead. Not yet.

Just Stop For a Minute and Smile

This entry is a little more poignant.

It's something that I think people lose sight of - especially in today's culture.

I was at the local movie theatre a little while ago, and the way the concession stand is set up, it's very easy for people to potentially walk in, grab their candy, popcorn and soda and walk out without paying a cent. The friend I was with made a comment about how surprising it was that more people don't do just that. I looked at the line of people with their snack items in front of me, and thought about it. It was surprising.

Looking at recent events in our society, it's surprising that anarchists haven't totally wiped out this society we call our "home." Thinking about tragedies like the Newtown Massacre, Virginia Tech, 9/11, the Auburn movie theatre tragedy as well as other less mainstream events like two people being pushed in front of trains in New York City within a month - both of which were classified as hate crimes.

All of these horrific events are just that - horrific. Tragic. And a plethora of other negative adjectives.

BUT! That line of people waiting to pay for their snacks reminded me that there IS hope. They reminded me that as bad as things get, people aren't always a disappointment. That as many bad people as there are in this world, there are more good people. There are always people willing to do what is right.

That thought - in and of itself - put a smile on my face. Which ties in to the title of this particular entry. The title is from the song "Price Tag" by Jessie J. "Just stop for a minute and smile." The next time nothing seems to be going right in the world, and the negative feels overwhelming, do just that. Stop and smile.

Life is beautiful. Sometimes, we just need reminding.

Thoughts

I'm writing this one about some thoughts running through my head presently. They're a little disjointed, so just bear with me.

• I'm tired. Very tired, but not a physical tired as much as an emotional tired. Just kind of tired of emoting. If that makes sense. I love being able to express my emotions, but I'm so tired of it right now.
• I hate being single. HATE it. I know this seems petty, but I really, really, REALLY hate it. I mean, going through everything I have recently, falling truly in love for the first time and then going through heartbreak for the first time - which TOTALLY sucks, by the way - is just kind of disheartening. I just hate being alone, more than anything. And I've been alone soooo much recently. Again, it's just thoughts, so don't judge me too harshly. Haha
• I'm so excited for this weekend. I've missed Connor. And Brittany. And Andrew. And the rest of the Boys' State clan.
• Last weekend was LONG overdue. Haley's family was WONDERFUL and welcomed me with open arms. It was...overwhelmingly lovely.
• I'm finally getting...over everything. I mean, her and I hung out today and I felt...GOOD. I wasn't anxious, I wasn't worried, I was just fine. I made no effort to contact her the whole weekend, except for a phone call on New Year's Eve and maybe a text or two. I'm just...better. And it's beyond relieving.