I Want To Be Of The Hill

I've been doing some thinking recently. And the more I think about it, the less I feel like I'm supposed to be where I'm at.

I HATE the person I'm turning into. This...morbid, dependent downer of a guy who needs people to make him feel like he's doing crap right.

I'VE NEVER been that guy. I'm a confident person, and always have been.

I've always been the one to volunteer for everything under the sun, throwing caution to the wind, and not giving a rat's behind what everyone else around has to say.

Because. I. DON'T.

At least, I didn't.

What happened to me? Why do I give a crap all of a sudden? Why do I care what people think of me or have to say about me?

All of these questions are circulating and the only thing I can think of is this: I'm not in the place I'm supposed to be.

Everyone talks about college and they just KNOW they're where they belong. They walk through the halls and FEEL it.

I don't feel that way. In fact, I don't feel like I belong in Kansas, let alone my college.

The first time I've felt comfortable was at the end of December when I went down to Arkansas to visit my friend Haley.

DON'T get me wrong - I am not supposed to be in Arkansas, but it felt so good being out of Kansas.

SO GOOD.

But, where am I supposed to go?

And how?

No house should ever be on a hill or on anything. It should be of the hill. Belonging to it. Hill and house should live together each the happier for the other. - Frank Lloyd Wright