That's It

So, the following post is definitely going to stir some stuff up, but like I've said before: nobody's making you read this, so if it bugs you, I'm not interested.

Recently, loneliness has been the only thing I've been feeling.

I've had people tell me they want nothing to do with me anymore. That they can't be around me anymore. Even the high school friends I used to have aren't interested in being around me. Every time I'm around them, I feel like I'm unwelcome, like I'm not wanted around them.

Not only that, when I get around that environment, my anxiety gets incredibly bad. Like, bad to the point where I get short of breath, and feel like I'm going to burst out in tears.

I'm tired of feeling like no one wants to spend any time with me.

I feel like I've lost two of the best friends I've ever had, and there's no hope of getting them back.

I just want to have someone who wants me around.

That's it.


Sometimes, I just want a hug. Sometimes I just want to feel wanted, I want affection. - Amanda Day

So We Beat On

Okay. Before I get beat up or anything - I am incredibly sorry I've been so inconsistent with this thing here. Life has been beyond crazy as of late, and as a result I haven't been even remotely concerned with blogging.

BUT, I'm here now, so I'll begin with a post regarding something I've been feeling lately.

To begin, I want so DESPERATELY to feel wanted. I just want to know that people WANT to see me, and not to feel like an intrusion EVERYWHERE I go. I want to feel valued and to feel like people are excited to be around me.

I want to like who I am, too. Because I don't. There's a lot more to this, but I'll save that for another post.

Macklemore has this song, "Same Love." The song is referring to gay/lesbian rights. But, the chorus has words that I think apply to where I'm at.

Recently, I've been hearing a lot of things that can basically be summarized by the following statement:

"People get annoyed with you a lot, Nathan."

And that SUCKS. I mean, yes, I know I can be crazy annoying at times, but it really sucks hearing all the time how awful a human being people think you are. Especially considering the amount I've changed since August and now, even the beginning of this year. But it just doesn't feel like enough.

Anyway, the lyrics are this:

"I can't change even if I tried. My love, my love, my love - she keeps me warm."

Mary Lambert sings this which is where the "she" comes in.

These lyrics are incredibly appropriate in my opinion.

I like a lot about myself, but as a whole I hate who I am.

Confusing anyone else? Yeah, join the club.

But, I CAN'T keep changing the smallest things because they're annoying to some people. Because honestly, THAT is going to hurt me more in the long run.

I just get tired of pushing to better myself and being reminded it's not enough.

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby