Friend/less

So. You know what sucks?

Being told - whether directly or indirectly - that you're not worth somebody's time. That you're not good enough.

This keeps happening to me.

In ways like receiving a text message saying "Hey. I don't see the point in us being friends anymore."

Or someone asking advice, giving it, and then them ignoring it and ultimately ignoring you.

And my favorite way: Just plain dropping out of communication with you. Knowing they still have their phone and are still alive but just "too good" for you.

That. Sucks.

I keep trying to figure out what I've done wrong, who I've mistreated and how, but I genuinely can't.

So, if anyone has any insight, please share it with me - cause I CAN'T handle this crap.

I'm already at my breaking point, but people don't seem to comprehend that.

I'm falling apart and these people are making it that much quicker.



Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything. - Muhammad Ali

True friends stab you in the front. - Oscar Wilde

That's It

So, the following post is definitely going to stir some stuff up, but like I've said before: nobody's making you read this, so if it bugs you, I'm not interested.

Recently, loneliness has been the only thing I've been feeling.

I've had people tell me they want nothing to do with me anymore. That they can't be around me anymore. Even the high school friends I used to have aren't interested in being around me. Every time I'm around them, I feel like I'm unwelcome, like I'm not wanted around them.

Not only that, when I get around that environment, my anxiety gets incredibly bad. Like, bad to the point where I get short of breath, and feel like I'm going to burst out in tears.

I'm tired of feeling like no one wants to spend any time with me.

I feel like I've lost two of the best friends I've ever had, and there's no hope of getting them back.

I just want to have someone who wants me around.

That's it.


Sometimes, I just want a hug. Sometimes I just want to feel wanted, I want affection. - Amanda Day

So We Beat On

Okay. Before I get beat up or anything - I am incredibly sorry I've been so inconsistent with this thing here. Life has been beyond crazy as of late, and as a result I haven't been even remotely concerned with blogging.

BUT, I'm here now, so I'll begin with a post regarding something I've been feeling lately.

To begin, I want so DESPERATELY to feel wanted. I just want to know that people WANT to see me, and not to feel like an intrusion EVERYWHERE I go. I want to feel valued and to feel like people are excited to be around me.

I want to like who I am, too. Because I don't. There's a lot more to this, but I'll save that for another post.

Macklemore has this song, "Same Love." The song is referring to gay/lesbian rights. But, the chorus has words that I think apply to where I'm at.

Recently, I've been hearing a lot of things that can basically be summarized by the following statement:

"People get annoyed with you a lot, Nathan."

And that SUCKS. I mean, yes, I know I can be crazy annoying at times, but it really sucks hearing all the time how awful a human being people think you are. Especially considering the amount I've changed since August and now, even the beginning of this year. But it just doesn't feel like enough.

Anyway, the lyrics are this:

"I can't change even if I tried. My love, my love, my love - she keeps me warm."

Mary Lambert sings this which is where the "she" comes in.

These lyrics are incredibly appropriate in my opinion.

I like a lot about myself, but as a whole I hate who I am.

Confusing anyone else? Yeah, join the club.

But, I CAN'T keep changing the smallest things because they're annoying to some people. Because honestly, THAT is going to hurt me more in the long run.

I just get tired of pushing to better myself and being reminded it's not enough.

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Waiting

So! A lot of changes have taken place recently, but one that's going to impact me more than the rest.

I'm getting an apartment at the end of this school year.

I'm SO excited for it, but I'm just beginning to realize the magnitude of this change.

I'm becoming a "grown-up." I'm beginning to understand that things aren't going to be handed to me after I do move out of my home.

I'm going to be responsible for my wants and needs.

But, I'm more than ready.

Heck, bring it on.


It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad. - C.S. Lewis

#changeisgood

It's funny, but I'm doing this one out of requests of a couple of different people. So, I do apologize for the delay in my posts. Anyway, here we go.

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about my plans next year. I've been admitted into a couple of different schools, besides Johnson County Community College, I mean.

My biggest thing is I really want to get out of my house.

I LOVE my family. They are truly some of my favorite people - I mean, yes, that's a bit of a given. But honestly. But we're all getting to each other. Driving each other absolutely nuts.

We just can't seem to stop fighting with each other.

I'm so tired. All the freaking time.

And yet, in spite of all of that, I feel myself making progress. I don't feel sad like I have been in the past few months.

Life is turning around.

Incline Vs. Incline?

So, over the past few days, my life has made an incredible turnaround.

I got closure regarding this previous relationship I had, and haven't been nearly as anxious.

The show I'm Stage Managing is going so much better than I anticipated it would. And I've come to find I really enjoy the whole experience. Which I NEVER expected. BUT, c'est la vie.

Oh, and I met a lady! So there's that. She's all sorts of cute and spunky and loud and obnoxious and wonderful.

I'm happy for the first time in months.

And let me tell you, it is a great feeling. :)

Hear Me Yet?

So, I figured it out. What I really want right now.

It's gonna sound silly, I imagine.

And I'm guessing most of you are tired of hearing about my issues. But, as I've said before, no one is making you read this.

What I want right now, more than anything else in the world is to feel valued.

I want to feel like I'm important, that I'm not just cast aside until I'm needed for something. Until someone has a favor to ask, or a task to complete. I want to feel like someone wants me.

Right now, it feels like everyone I know is having good things happen to them. I mean, everyone I know has someone, just about. And if they don't, they have friends they can go to at a moment's notice.

My three best friends live a minimum of an hour away. Two of them live more than two away. And although only one of them has a significant other, the other two live in dorms and have roommates and other people they can spend time with.

I have neither and it just sucks.

I want to feel like someone's everything, instead of everyone's something.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu