Give Love (Not Just The Romantic Kind)

This is a deeply personal one, but something I think I need to write about.

Pain. Physical pain. It's something I deal with on a daily basis.

For those of you who don't know, I suffer from (sometimes) debilitating back pain. In seventh grade football, I was running to make a tackle when I was blocked from behind, taking a helmet right in the middle of my spine, just below where the shoulder pads ended. This hit was quite literally the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life.

As a result of this hit, my spine was literally curved. I now have dextroscoliosis as well as a disease called Scheuerman's Disease. Basically, that's just a fancy way of saying I'm missing cartilage in between my vertebrate.

Now, if that wasn't bad enough, I recently found out I also have Juvenile Arthritis in my wrist, knees and possibly my hips.

There are mornings I wake up and I need my father or brother's help to get out of my bed due to how stiff my joints and back are.

I'm 18 years old.

There is nothing I'm more insecure about than how unmanly that makes me.

It is absolutely humiliating sometimes how tender or weak I feel.

A couple of weeks ago, I was hanging out with a friend. My friend is incredibly small. At one point, we were just messing around and she kicked her leg out and caught me right on a rib and knocked it out of place. She'd BARELY kicked me. But it was hard enough to knock my rib out of place and jar my back. It knocked the wind out of me, and I collapsed.

I COULDN'T MOVE.

I am an 18 year old guy who can literally be stopped by a quick jab to the ribcage. I've been 5'8" since I was in 8th grade. That was 5 and a half years ago.

Meanwhile, I've got a 16 year old younger brother who's 6'1", 250 pounds, wears a size 15 shoe, can bench twice my body weight like it's nobody's business, is a star football player, and can essentially sit on anyone he wants and kill them. Not only that, I've got a sister who's 13 years old, 2 inches shorter than me and can practically pick me up without even trying.

But if either of them gets too physical with me, I end up in tears

That is an AWFUL feeling. I would give anything to wrestle with them and play around but I CAN'T.

And I know, "there's more to being a man than the physical." But so much dependence comes from the physical aspect. If I get married, what if I can't pick up my children? What if it hurts too much? How am I supposed to be able to defend my wife and children?

My biggest fear is that I will become so feeble that I can't get out of my bed without assistance.

Irrational? Maybe. But I can't help it.

I've got a poem, though, that's given me solace.

It's called Manly Man by Bradley Hathaway.

I need to read it more often, because it's so good and incredibly comforting.

I don't want my long hair
Pretty green eyes with
NO I DO NOT HAVE ON MASCARA
Eyelashes
Skinny figure
Undersized T-shirt

Hip
shake
too
much
when I walk

Confuse anyone...

I AM A MANLY MAN

Within this sissy frame
Obviously rib-laden chest
Lies a heart
that BEATS

to the drum of a
Native American ritual dancing
WILDNESS
It PUMPS an evercascading supply of unTAMEDness
that a herd of WILD mustangs have yet to grasp.

If DANGER lurks about, I will seek it out.
If adventure abounds, there I will be found.
If a damsel be in distress

I will show her who is best.

I AM A MANLY MAN!

Because I DON'T FLUSH
and I leave the lid up.

I drive a nineteen
eighty-eight
Ford Pick-UP truck.

GIRLS DON'T BREAK UP WITH ME
I break up with them FIRST!
(except the last time)

I DON'T SHAVE THE HAIR ON MY FACE.
(because I still can't grow facial hair yet...
but when I CAN, I won't.)

BECAUSE BEARDS ARE TOUGH!

I
FART
BURP
SPIT
WHEN I WANT

Not caring who is nearby

DISRESPECT my MOMMA
and I will PUNCH you in the eye!

I AM A MANLY MAN!

OR AM I?

I TELL MY guy friends I love them.
Sometimes I even hug them.
NO I'm not gay.

BUT BECAUSE I LOVE THEM.

When I watched 'Bambi'
I cried.
WHEN MY MEMA GETS MAD
I still run and hide.

LIKE DAVID I WANT TO BE A MAN AFTER GOD'S OWN HEART
I'm not there yet but past the start.

And when people talk
I try to listen
A SPIRIT OF COMPASSION
that's my vision.
Surely I am a manly man
I WANT TO BE LOVED
and have love
AND GIVE LOVE
(not just that romantic kind either.)

ALTHOUGH I AM LOOKING FOR THAT BEAUTY
NOT HELPLESS
But wants to be rescued.
The damsel in distress
MAN
WOMAN
MYTH
TRUE.

I WILL FIGHT FOR HER.

CLIMB THE HIGHEST TOWER FOR HER.

LOVE HER.

SHARE with her.

DELIGHT IN HER.

Be her WARRIOR

HER PROTECTOR

SHE WILL BE MY CROWN
and I will be hers.

MY MASCULINITY WILL BE PASSED DOWN
AND AFFIRMED TO MY SONS.

Each of my daughters will know they are LOVELY
and deserving of authentic romance.

SOCIETY TELLS ME
ALL DAY LONG

THAT I HAVE DEFINED MANHOOD
COMPLETELY WRONG

BUT YOU ASK any honest man and he will agree
YOU ASK any honest woman and she too will see

THAT I AM A MANLY MAN!

 

“There is one rule, above all others, for being a man. Whatever comes, face it on your feet.” - Robert Jordan, The Great Hunt